#1. I have a new appreciation for the difficulties others deal with every day.
#2. It is possible to feel tormented in a job.
#3. Learning new things and new experiences can get old.
The last five months have flown by, and then there are moments that have seemed to drag on forever. I have learned so much, and know there is so much more to learn. I begin, the next leg of the journey.
#1. In September I accepted a job teaching High School special education math. In all honesty this was the last position I had ever thought of taking. I had been offered the exact job I wanted, teaching Algebra and Geometry, in a nice district, and turned it down. There have been many times I wonder what made me do such a thing, but never a moment when I thought I made the wrong decision.
The students I have in my classes have taught me so much I don't know if I can do them justice. They have an array of disabilities. Some have incredible learning disabilities to overcome. I find it hard to ever imagine the frustrations they face everyday. Some are developmentally delayed and will one day be the great worker always with a smile on their face, but we as the passing public will probably never really know them. Some have emotional or psychological hurdles to deal with in life. All are incredibly thoughtful and caring individuals, even though they may make it incredible difficult sometimes for you to see that part of them.
I remember the first day "Jay" came into my room. Oh my gosh! What was I to do with this young man. He was loud, demanding, beligerent, and well, impossible. In a meeting we had a few days later one of the other special ed teachers expressed similar sentiments. Neither one of us could imagine spending the next 90 days with this young man. Well, I guess in reality I didn't spend 90 days with him. In the first 20 days he was asked to leave the room 15 times, or he walked out voluntarily. The next 20 days he left 5 times. Now how much math was being taught or learned is another matter, the goal at this point was to stay in the classroom. Games on the computer were enticing enough to keep him. On day 45 the antie was upped. Now Jay would have to complete the Daily Word Problem before he was allowed on a computer. He said, "OK" and did. On Day 60 we took it to a higher level. Jay would need to complete the Daily Word Problem, 30 minutes working on the math assignment of the day, then he could play math games on the computer. Now it is day 94. Jay came in to room, completed the DWP with help, listened to the lesson on shapes and their attributes, drew the diagrams, labeled and colored, went to work at the computer on Geometry and the last 10 minutes stopped to engage the Assistant Principal in conversation. Don't think that every day is happy-go-lucky, or that this day wasn't taxing. Jay can still explode and leave the room at the drop of a hat, no at the drop of a beanie, it doesn't have to be a hat. However, Jay is now one of the students I can depend on to help others, run errands, and contribute to group lessons. What a change and a lesson on patience.
There is "Shelley." Who was hunched over reading her book. I walked by, touched her shoulder. Without moving her head her eyes gazed up toward the ceiling meeting mine. Her hair hung in front of her eyes, her voice in a deep gutteral draw said, "Don't you touch me." I brought my hand back afraid it might get bitten off. Three days ago Shelley and I had a ruler duel while working on measurement. We eat lunch together everyday in the room, laugh, tell stories, and yes do math. Go figure.
There is "Nolan." He comes in everyday, turns on the computers and writes the day and date on the board. Without him I would go crazy answering the question, "What is the date?" He diligently goes to work on the DWP, even when it is too difficult for him. He silently plucks his way through the computer program he has been through five times before. He never asks for help but will contort his face into a troublesome wrinkle, only when you come to him will he confess he may need help. He wants to solve the problem.
Or there are the moments when a student says, "That answer doesn't make sense." or "You would need to multiply that to get the answer." The simple times when they say addition instead of plus, subtraction vs take away. Or when you hear them explain a problem to another student and it all makes sense. The steps are so small but at the same time so incredibly huge. As they learn to tie the mathematical concepts we cover in class to their everyday life, in all the little but huge ways, odd/even numbers, prime numbers, 50% off.
#2. Torment. In the 17 years I have been teaching I have never been the receipient of a negitive evaluation. Not to get cocky, there are always things to learn and ways to improve, Lord knows I can always use some improvement. This year I was blind-sided, and it has hurt. A lot.
I have struggled in trying to get a handle on all the different components of this position. Teaching three periods a day, having additional students I am to keep track of for their Individual Education Plan (IEP). Advisory class which I took as a serious responsibility, and senior project advisor for three students. I felt, and often still do, like a gumby doll being streached to the limits. I tried to express the frustrations I was having to my superiors. I asked questions regarding my responsibilities towards the IEP students, the teachers who had them in class and needed to make modifications, and to what extent I was to hold kids accountable for completing math in my class.
In November I was observed and evaluated. This was the first time an administrator or a teacher had been in my room. While I have been impressed by the changes in my students and the mathematical growth they have made, my administrator was concerned that I was holding them responsible for completing the daily work. I was impressed that one student wanted to work on a science paper and complete his work, my administrator was concerned that I was showing favortism. Two days later I received a letter from the Director of Special Education declaring my negitivity towards my students. This, apparently based upon an overheard sentence fragment, of a conversation she was not involved in. Wow. blubbering and sobbing I ran to the union rep for advice. We all met, not much happened.
I have learned so much from this and as Pollyanna as it seems in the long run it will be an incredibly valuable experience. I have learned to listen to others more closely. I have learned to make up my own mind independently. I have learned that accepting new challenges can be a much bigger challenge than you ever planned on. I am still learning how not to cry. Now (June 4) as the school year comes to a close I am very proud of the growth many of my students have made, as well as my own. I suppose one frustrating thing to come out of this last year, or perhaps the last 17 years, I enjoy teaching. It does not matter if I am teaching 3rd grade or 5th, middle school, high school, or adults. Meeting the individuals in the classroom, getting to know their daily lives, and the egotistical idea that just maybe I might say or do something that will have a positive effect on them. The bonus is when I actually get paid to learn from them - even when they are 8 or hormone diven teenagers.
#3 So, as much as new challenges are fabulous and learning new things keeps life interesting, perhaps I am really looking forward to the time once again when I can do something I have done before.